Chapter 2

Once you have set an intention and are living intentionally, and once you believe you are the creator of the love you’re seeking and have chosen to have faith that your soulmate is also looking for you, you are ready for Step 2.

In this step, you will identify the core beliefs you’re consciously and subconsciously clinging to about love that are actually repelling the possibility for lasting partnership.

For me, this process felt a bit difficult because I had yearned and ached for a soulmate partnership since I was seven years old! I just always felt like I was destined to have great love in my life, so I was hesitant to believe I had barriers to fulfilling this desire.

You may be similarly thinking something like, “How could I possibly have false beliefs about love when I ache for it so deeply? I don’t have false beliefs!”

But here’s the thing: beliefs show up in very different ways in different aspects of our lives. They can be sneaky and hard to recognize at first.

These beliefs can be related to our sense of who we are and what is possible for us in the area of love, and I call these beliefs our “Love Identity Core Beliefs.”

These are beliefs about how loveable we are. They are beliefs about men, women, or whichever gender you’re sexually and romantically attracted to. They are beliefs about marriage and partnership itself.

What Limiting Beliefs Look Like

If you’ve ever thought to yourself or expressed to a friend any of the following sentiments, you have love identity core beliefs that are limiting your capacity to receive and enjoy the love that is your birthright:

• “If I’m meant to have love, it will just happen” or “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
• “I’m just not meant to have love in this lifetime.”
• “I have a great life in many other ways… and no one can have it all.”
• “My last failed relationship was meant to work out, but it didn’t… so there must be something wrong with me.”
• “Men are completely intimidated by me.”
• “I am too broken and damaged to have a good relationship.”
• “Everyone I know is married and I’m alone, so there must be something wrong with me.”
• “All of my previous partners have left me, so I must be unlovable.”
• “Love happens when you’re not looking for it.”
• “I don’t have love because I’ve chosen to focus on my career.”
• “Marriage is a trap and will stifle my individuality.”
• “No one is really happy in marriage.”
• “
  “All the good men (or whichever gender you’re attracted to) are taken.”
• “I’ll probably just get hurt again, so why bother?”

What you may be noticing is that it’s totally possible to deeply long for a life-partner and still have these types of thoughts…

And your desire for love isn’t able to simply overpower these limiting beliefs, because they’re that strong!

These are just a few of the limiting stories we often tell ourselves that are actually love identify core beliefs, and they’re incredibly dangerous for our well-being, and detrimental to our chances at love.

When I began to work with these processes myself, I noticed that my most prominent core beliefs were:

• “I am not wanted by men.”
• “I am and will remain alone.”
• “Marriage will limit my personal growth.”

I really accepted all of these statements as truth! And yet I still yearned for love.

I’d like to take a moment to note that because I’m a heterosexual woman who is attracted to men, one of my personal core beliefs was about men specifically…

But these beliefs and all of these principles, are still completely pertinent regardless of your gender and sexual preferences. So whomever you’re attracted to, ask yourself, “What are my beliefs about love?”

For me, I saw I had a deep belief that men lacked the capacity to meet me on my level, and that belief was negatively impacting my life in more ways than I ever realized.

How to Look For Evidence of Your Core Beliefs

Many of us have done work on our core beliefs, but I often hear women say that they don’t know exactly what their core beliefs are, or they really can’t see the ways they’re showing up and sabotaging their happiness.

So it’s very important to look for evidence of your core beliefs in your life, because these core beliefs are the mechanisms that keep old structures in your consciousness, that keep an invisible glass ceiling in place that acts as a barrier to receiving what you want most in life.

It’s easy to over-simplify this concept in your life, picturing a big computer in the sky that sends you experiences that match your beliefs…

But the truth is that these core beliefs, these deep-rooted senses of who you are and who you are not, actually cause you to show up in life in ways that create evidence of themselves.

So, for example, let’s first look at one of my core beliefs and how evidence for it presented in my life.

My belief was, “I am not wanted by men,” so the way I’d show up in life around this belief was in thinking things like: “If I am not wanted by men, then I need to be someone I’m not. I need to figure out who I should be for men if what I am is not valued or wanted.”

I would try to figure out who I needed to be to be worthy of love, and then I’d adapt myself to that, and as a result, I created more than one relationship by pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

Instead of representing who I was and what I really cared about, I was inauthentic. “If I’m not wanted by men, the goal is to get them to want me, whatever it takes.”

And somewhat shockingly, I never stopped to think, “Do I even want them? What do I want?”

This was the evidence of this particular core belief.

Identifying the evidence for my core beliefs was a revelation, because I began to see this mechanism at work.

Another very common core belief—and perhaps you have this one yourself—is: “I am alone and will always be alone.” It’s just so easy to fall into this kind of negative thinking.

Despite how deeply and desperately you long for love, if you have the core belief that you are now and forever alone, here are some of the most common ways that evidence will present itself:

• You become self-focused. Even if you’re a very giving person, you isolate to recharge.
• You tell yourself that living with another person sounds draining because you’re so independent.
• You cancel plans or put off replying to phone calls or texts with people you’re dating, or decline to “put yourself out there” in the dating world or on dating apps to begin with.

Or consider your core beliefs about marriage. Do you believe that marriage will somehow smother you and limit your own growth? If so:

• You might stop envisioning what a long-term, lifelong partnership would look like.
• You might become uncomfortable or cynical about weddings or marriage.
• You might seek out short-term relationships that feel “low stakes,” or find reasons to end relationships that are actually going well.

Or maybe you believe, like I did so adamantly, that men simply “lack the capacity,” and that you’ll never find an evolved partner who meets you on your level. In this case:

• You may be attracted to powerful, smart, successful men, but find yourself overtly or covertly looking for ways to disempower or diminish them.
• You may feel a lack of respect for the men you date.
• You may try to solve their problems for them, not trusting their own ability to do so.
• You may find ways to compete with their accomplishments.

So, as you can see, your limiting core beliefs can generate very real results in your life—results that actually thwart your sincerest desires for love.

Using Power Statements to Replace Your Limiting Core Beliefs With the Deeper Truth

What’s amazing is that once you make these beliefs conscious, you actually have the power to transform them very quickly.

I’d like to share with you a practice through which you will get connected to the root of your love-identity core beliefs, and then anchor them into the deeper truth.

In doing so, you will create Power Statements that enable new ways of showing up in life that are aligned with the deeper truth behind these limiting beliefs.

For example, if your core belief is “I’m not wanted,” here are some excellent Power Statements that reflect the deeper truth.

Power Statements like these are absolutely life-altering.

When you can connect to the deeper truth, you’ll be able to show up in ways that are much more authentic, and that are truly aligned with this deeper truth, with the possibility of who your partner could be, and with the possibility of bringing this relationship into existence.

Power Statements immediately remove the invisible barriers in your own consciousness that are preventing you from calling love into your life.

Finding the Deeper Truth: Core Beliefs Exercise

Now I’d love to invite you to take a moment and actually walk through this process yourself—identifying what old beliefs about yourself, about marriage, about men or women you may have—and begin to connect with the deeper truth, and with new ways of showing up.

I want to invite you to just put everything else to the side and go deep here:

• Take a nice deep breath, breathing all the way down into your hips, into your legs, down into the soles of your feet, and into the earth.
• Take a moment to reflect on your experiences up until now in the area of love. Feel free to write down your answers if you’d like, or just ruminate on them:
  • What has been your experience with love?

  What has been the pattern that seems to happen over and over again?

  • What seems to happen when you make an attempt to put yourself out there and create love?
  • Or is there no pattern at all? Is being alone, for example, and not in a relationship, a way of life for you?
• If you can, tune in to a particular moment or incident that has occurred within these experiences. It might be the moment you realized a relationship wasn’t working out. It might be a time you longed for someone who wasn’t available. It might a time you spoke your truth to someone and your feelings were not received or met.
• Take a moment to feel in your body the feelings that come up when recounting these memories. I know this can be exceptionally painful, but in order to transform your beliefs and experiences, you must confront them fully and honestly.
• Now I’d like to invite you to stay in this feeling for a full minute in service to transforming it. You can even set a timer if you’d like.
• Breathe into the center of that feeling in your body. Wherever you are right now, know that you are in a powerful, healing space. Know that it is safe to connect to your feelings on the deepest level right now.
• See if you can give voice to and name this feeling as an I am statement, as it relates to who you are in the area of love in your life. For example:
  I am not wanted.
  I am not valued.
  I am not seen.
  I am alone.
  I am not enough.
  I am not worth it.
  I do not exist.
• Write down your “I am” statement if you have a pen and paper, or do this exercise again later and write it down then.
• When breathing into the feeling, see if you can also name your belief about men or about women (whoever you are sexually attracted to). For example:
  Men/Women/People don’t want me.
  Men/Women/People leave.
  Men/Women/People lack capacity.
  Women/Women/People need me to take care of them.
  Men/Women/People can’t meet me.
  Men/Women/People are looking for someone other than the kind of woman I am.

The roots of these beliefs are anchored in the emotions in your body, not in your mind, so connecting with the feeling and taking your attention to the feeling will help you to make the old beliefs conscious.

And now that you have felt into your deepest core beliefs, you are going to transform them, one at a time.

• Start by asking yourself this: how old is this part of you, this part of yourself attached so deeply to one of those limiting beliefs?

  There might be different ages. She might be four. She might be a teenager. She might be someone in her twenties or thirties. However old she is, just notice that this is a younger version of yourself who did not have the ability to understand and make sense of her experience as you are able to do now.

• Now consciously send a lot of loving kindness to her.
• Okay, now shake that off for a moment; we are going to come back to it.
• Take a nice deep breath, breathing all the way down into your hips, and ask yourself the question:

  “What are a couple of the unique things about being my current age compared to the age of this younger self?”

  However specific or general, your answer should sound something like this:

  • I have power, I have capacity, I am a badass
  • I am an awesome, creative, gifted, talented woman with so much to offer
  • I have such capacity to love, to care, to hold, to support, to nurture
  • I have such amazing, deep connections in my life

  Focus on something truly amazing in your life right now and reflect on it, letting this feeling wash over you.

• Breathe into the fullness of who you are and where you feel most powerful, creative and connected in your life. It might be in your work, it might be as a parent, it might be with your friends. I invite you right now to breathe into the extraordinary, awesome, brilliant woman you have become.
• Fully embodying this brilliance, this light, this care, this consciousness, I invite you to imagine that you are bringing the full power and presence of who you are now, and putting your arms around the self within you who has been stuck in this old idea about who she is, who men or women are, and what is or is not possible for her. Allow these two parts of yourself to get present with each other.
• Allow something alchemical and magical to happen as you bring these two parts of you into connection. The power of your own expanded conscious can illuminate, heal and transform this younger self inside of you, and awaken her to the deeper truth that her very existence is more than enough to be worthy of love, to light her beloved up beyond their wildest dreams.
• Tell her, this younger self, that it is possible for her to have a very new experience of love, of partnership, and that she has the power to attract and create a partnership with someone who can meet her on every level.
• With each breath, in your own words, from this place of presence, power, and full awareness, ask yourself:

  “What is the deeper truth about who you are for your beloved?”

  And then answer yourself:

  “I am the woman my beloved has been waiting for all their life”

• Then, finally ask yourself:

  “What is the deeper truth about who my beloved is for me?”

  And then answer:

  “My partner, my divine partner, my beloved, has been looking for me their entire life.”

  “My beloved will recognize me, love me, honor me, cherish me, meet me in every way, love me unconditionally, and support me to become the best version of myself.”

  “That is who my beloved is, and the possibility for us together is to create an experience of partnership, of seeing, of meeting, of knowing, that is unprecedented on the planet.”

  “My beloved and I can create a new possibility of love, of connection, of creativity, of joy, of expression.”

At any time, you can access the deeper truth under any and all limiting beliefs by simply filling in the answers to the following:

Who I am for my beloved is…

---

My beloved is for me is…

---

The possibility for our relationship is…

---

Write these down somewhere special to you and read them frequently. Carry them with you in your purse or wallet if you’d like, so they’re with you always.

These are your Power Statements.

They are going to anchor this new sense of yourself so you can begin to activate a field of love all around you.

Chapter 2

« Chapter 1Chapter 3 »